"Because I Could Not Stop For Death"
This one's a little ditty about how I used to want to die, and now I don't anymore. It references Emily Dickinson, Jimmy Eat World, The Bible, and Happy Gilmore.
Bandcamp New & Notable Jan 23, 2023
Because I Could Not Stop For Death
Surrounded by the glory
of a disapproving God
Family system codependent
Emotionally starved
Intrusive thoughts abundant
Crushing
Bleeding from my chest
Struggling to stretch a fraction
into one hundred percent
Life is suffering
Just try harder
That’s the way the world is
Screamed a father to his child
To cow them to submit
Called sinner by the preacher
And faggot by their friends
A failure to the very frame
A grave of rusted ships
It’s a wonderful life, they said
So long as you give in
It’s a wonderful life
If you want to live
I thought the music saved me
In a way I guess it did
Community could’ve killed me
The industry almost did
Waterboard my liver
To still fail at fitting in
Everything I did was wrong
a different kind of sin
Some moral absolute
A dogma
Flayed but couldn’t flee
Colonized compulsions
Toward a man I couldn’t be
Always so well spoken
Always saying the wrong thing
Afraid to live
Afraid to die
Blind and damned to see
It’s a wonderful life, they said
So long as you give in
It’s a wonderful life
If you want to live
I used to sing
“If I don’t let myself
Be happy now
Then when?”
Like
I was asking
For permission
Grace almost did me in
Saw myself Samaritan
As I lay bleeding out
Patronized by Pharisees
Compelled to be devout
But I am no one’s prodigal
And I am no one’s son
I’ll climb on down
And burn the wood
I’ve only just begun
Glory be to therapy
Glory be to grit
To the one who held me
Wishing
I could cry just for a bit
To fighting for a thing
Instead of just fighting against
I had to give up everything
I’d do it all again
It’s something of a life, i guess
When you stop giving in
It’s a wonderful life
I guess i want to live
