Damned Praise: An Autobiography?
An old bandmate once told me I should write an autobiography.
At the time, I didn’t necessarily think there was anything special about my story. Of course, we all think our story is interesting, but I’d never done much outside of that band that I thought anyone would want to hear about. Sure, I wanted to be seen and understood and was desperate for validation. But I was still early on in my deconversion, only sure (and out) about my bisexuality, awaiting multiple life-changing mental health diagnoses, and pretty much terrified of everything. Who would want to read a story I couldn’t even tell myself?
I was born in 1982 in Appalachia and raised in the Evangelical church (Fun story: I met my ex-wife at the church Zao came from). I was diagnosed with OCD in my early-thirties, which started a decade-plus of pain and self-discovery. Since then, I have come out as bisexual and trans non-binary. I have come to understand the religious trauma that, along with family dysfunction and the OCD, gave me C-PSTD. And the final piece of the puzzle was, at 42, an Autism diagnosis. My life has changed profoundly from the one I had in 2013, walking into my first therapy session.
It’s been an interesting life, to put it mildly. It’s been a long road full of hurt and change, but I know who I am now. For the most part. As much as anyone does, I guess.
So, yeah, it’s a story I want to tell, and I think it’s one worth hearing.
“A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”
The path I’ve been on has been exhausting, but I don’t think I’d still be alive if I hadn’t followed it. I’ve learned a lot of things, and I think they’re things that could help other people. And frankly, I still have that need to be seen and understood. Hell, as an Autist, I also just really love nerding out about the shit I like, too.
How is this blog an autobiography?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how best to approach this project. The main purpose of Damned Praise is as a musical project. The music I listen to and the music I make is the closest thing I have to religion. I worship at the altar of the song, as it were.
I’ve got lots of plans. Demos. Covers. Exclusive tracks. Essays like this one. Sharing song lyrics, playlists, and music that inspires me. Art. Design. Comics. Poetry. Analyses of songs, books, and more. The idea is to build a body of multimedia work to tell the patchwork story of a patchwork life.
Why a blog?
One of the most important steps in my mental health journey was cutting social media out of my life, and I don’t want to go back there just to promote my work. I am not interested in the vanity and clout-chasing of a culture of competitiveness and doomscrolling. I want to be sincere and wholly myself, and create a space that is a work of intentional art as much as its individual parts are.
I understand that a lot of folks won’t follow me here. That it’s a pattern that’s not ubiquitous in a world full of patterns demanding attention. I will, from time to time, share important things on Damned Praise’s social accounts, but most of the things I make will only be shared here.
It would mean the world to me if you subscribed, read, listened, engaged, consumed, etc. I aim to make it worthwhile.
